When I was younger, I was angry with the way my life was going for me. I didn't have a choice to decide as a child what I did or what I wanted to be. A religious upbringing, a forced one, and being dressed, prim and proper as an eldest daughter should be. Nevermind my wants, my needs, my dreams; instead, I was told to pick a career that made money and stick to it. I was a tool to be used within the home. I was Cinderella, I was a translator, I was a pair of eyes.

I simply existed.

Fresh out of high school, I obtained a job that piqued my interest with data and records. Archives, the stories of people on paper and the different medias of which can show their history. I've read heartbreaking things, I've wished I didn't read certain things, and I've had to step away to compose myself. Others didn't care, but I did. They just wanted a paycheck.

MAYBE IF YOU WORKED HARDER

Here come the traditional, stereotypical perspectives of 'in my day I worked hard and now look where I'm at'. All of it was truly convincing, and I worked so hard. In my defense, I listed to that perspective. I really did. I pushed myself in ways that made me uncomfortable, I've opened myself up to dangerous situations, and I've, quite literally, been the mediator and helper in dangerous situations. I was a witness. I was a protector. I was the only one willing to speak up. In return, I was cut off. Hurt. Isolated. Yelled at. All of the screaming, the pain, it's all still in my head. I get nightmares, I still deal with the effects of all of it. The noise, the static in my head. I was just a kid.

In the darkest moments in my life, with the little strength I have in me, I play this song. I still remember how itchy my front lawn grass was when I stared at the night sky. My mom, yelling at me to get inside, stop being stupid. No. I needed it. I needed the sky, the stars, and after hanabi.

Being able to sit in Usagi Ramen was one of the most beautiful things Beau could've done for me. I cried as I ate my ramen bowl and I stared at the lyrics in tears. I survived everything life put me through and I still made it out. I couldn't believe I was still alive to see it. I will cherish that memory for the rest of my life.

When life gets tough for me, I just have to stop.

I stop, assess, and listen to the beat.

after hanabi - nujabes